I took a crazy leap a few months ago, in the form of writing about sex related topics for all who care to see. (Oh, hey mom!) Since then I have, for the most part, not looked back too much. Yes I get judged, I get the occasional email saying I am a dreadful person and even one or two lovely people taking the time out of their day to read my posts and then email me to say they will pray for my soul - I kid you not! (big shout out to you guys by the way.) And yes, I get hit on online because I must be 'that' kind of girl if I'm openly writing about sex.
I kind of expected the villagers to picket at the kitchen door, sure. But what I wasn't expecting was the baffling amount of emails asking all sorts of questions. Lads and ladies, your woes and worries even have me stumped at times! I am in no way an agony aunt or even any good at this sex/relationship stuff. It boggles my mind just as much as it does the rest of the world. But it seems a fair few of you think I'm the woman for the job none the less. I always email back to try and help out or suggest things and I wanted to write a post to talk about the general sorts of topics that came up. This is non gender specific so if I target it at a particular sex, please do assume the same for the other sex too. And once again, I can't stress enough how unqualified I am here. These are just my ideas and thoughts, nothing at all to go by!
Be Confidant About Yourself
I personally feel the first and most important thing is feeling comfortable and confidant about yourself before you can begin to bring someone else into the picture. Theres no use in hopping into bed with someone, demand the lights be turned off and then close your eyes hoping for the best while making the appropriate noises at the right moments. Why bother at all if your not going to get just as much out of the experience as the other person? Take a step back for a moment and look at the situation. There is someone who likes you enough to want to get naked with you in the first place. I don't think they would do that if they didn't think you were physically (and perhaps mentally) the bees knees!
Be Confidant Sexually
Do you know instantly what the other person likes sexually? Of course you don't. Just like they have no clue what your tastes are. So know what you like and talk about it. Explore yourself and find out what you love, what turns you on and along the way you might just find something new and fun to add to your list of loves. Personally the one place I am totally confidant in my life is in bed. Apart from sleeping (which I am a pro at, might I just add!) I love being in control of myself, knowing what I love and how to ask what the other person enjoys. All this can put your partner at ease too, a little communication goes a long way. Note though, that knowing what you want and like is totally different to being a dominant personality. A lot of people wrongly assume this so always talk openly about that sort of thing.
You might scoff a little at this if you are in a long term relationship, but have you sat down with your other half recently and asked what they like in bed? Is there something that they still do months/years on that just doesn't do it for you or vise versa? Go on, have that chat!
Don't Be Afraid To Say NO
A frightening number of people who emailed me talked about not wanting to have sex when they are tired or just not in the mood with their partner. There is nothing ever wrong with that. (Unless of course you feel it could be a medial issue, such as a hormone disorder, erectile dysfunction, etc. In which case please talk to your GP.) Not wanting to have sex for whatever reason is nothing to be upset or ashamed about and it is certainly not ok to 'just to it anyway'. If you don't want to, don't be pressured into it. If you have willingly agreed to have sex and something goes wrong/hurts/etc then asking to stop should never be an issue. You can talk about it and try again another time. There are lots of hours in the day and plenty more weeks in the months. No means no and if your partner ignores your wishes, you might want to think about getting yourself away from that person as soon as possible.
Trying Something New
Its always a little tricky to introduce the idea of something new in a relationship. What the person could say or how they will react is always scary. But if you never ask, you will never know. If the person agrees and is positive about the whole thing, great. If not, then maybe you could talk about why so you can understand their objections better. Explain why you like it and suggest that you both find something you'd like to try together. If you are in search of a toy for yourself or for your partner and don't want to venture into a sex toy shop, then have a look online at the vast range of toys and sites. Most sex toy companies will ship your parcel without any signs of the companies name or whats inside the box. They will also have a 'normal' discreet name on your credit card bill. So not even the bank will know what sort of goodies you've bought. If your still unsure about how discreet the company is, then email them. Any good and reliable company will have no problem answering your questions. - Love me some good pr!
This Thing Called Kink
You like some things that would be considered 'kinky' or not to be shared lightly with others, thats fine. Everyone has their own likes and what turns you on might not turn the next person on. Like so many things, in 2014 kink is still considered something to be brushed under the carpet, which is sad. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting it should be ok to shove your sexual preferences into everyones face, but I don't think it should be something to be ashamed of. Over the years I have found that there are so many people who have the same interests and likes. There is a wonderful kink and BDSM community online and in real life. In Dublin alone there are kink nights and private events you can attend to socialise with like minded people. (No, these are not sex parties or orgies.) Grow your interests, read up about it and join the kink community, even if its just online. Always be proud of who you are. (and not just narrowed to in the sexy way either!)
Don't Rush Things
One or two of the emails I got were about wanting and 'needing' to be in relationships or indeed even to get married. You could be 21 or 51, age does not and should not factor in any way into a relationship when it comes to the pressures of commitment. There are so many millions of people out there in the world, sit back and take that in. There has to be at least 7, if not 100 more that you will find equally as attractive as you find them. They might want to date/marry you just as much as you want to date/marry them. So calm down and let it happen. If the person you are with right now isn't the one then thats ok. There will be others.
I hope this has helped or even just a fun read for you guys. I'm always happy to try and help if someone emails me, but I don't think I'd make a very good agony aunt! For anyone thats feeling a little down right now, have a read of this post I did a while back. x